3 Minute Read:
Women have long been expected to be the virtuous and diligent ones in society so men could get away with being the adorable delinquents—perpetual boys. We’ve all seen it, the menfolk generously commend the ladies for their hard work and accommodating nature, for keeping everything just so—maybe while a woman is putting away clean dishes and a man is relaxing at the kitchen table puffing a stogie reading the paper. It sounds like a scene from an old movie, but I’ve personally witnessed it. It’s nothing nefarious, this little one-act. It’s even charming and homey, like grandma’s anecdote of men being dramatic and whiny when they get a sniffle, while women ignore aches and pains and work through them. But what are these ideas really saying about our roles?
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare, painful and exhausting disease and have joined a social group for women who suffer from the same. Occasionally members talk about not getting enough support from their spouses, and the in-kind comments are just heartbreaking. Scratching beneath the surface, there’s a pattern of husbands who are obviously impatient with wives whose symptoms make it difficult for them to function daily at even the most basic household tasks—not that keeping a home is easy work.
The husbands in this group reportedly snap or snipe at wives or girlfriends who may be trying to hang on to a job and/or raise kids while managing their pain, inflammation, and physical limitations from an incurable illness. The message over and over seems to echo, “You’re supposed to be taking care of me, dammit!” or “Gawd, I’m so tired of your disease!” The complaints aren’t always so pointed, but the sentiment is unmistakable.
I believe things are changing. Even as I write about the perniciousness of these tropes, I’m aware that they invoke a bygone era, episodes of I Love Lucy, poodle skirts and all that. I believe things are changing. Even so, I still think it bears pointing out wherever it pops up that there’s no such thing as ‘women’s work.’ The work that women do off the timeclock is the labor that builds a society.
Women are not paragons of virtue. We are not de-facto caretakers or happy housemaids (except when we want to be). We’re just as human as men, and we and our bodies—bones, blood, organs, muscles and joints—can fail. We can’t perpetually be the adults in the room, any more than society can continue to be mostly run by the adorable delinquents.